The Mischief of Haruki Suzumiya
by babbler
Summary: A day trip of Haruki and Kyonko looking for supernatural things ends with Kyonko becoming quite popular with the male demographic.


Beep! Beep! Beep!

I rolled over and turned off the alarm clock. This was an odd motion since my little brother would usually have hauled me out of bed and down the stairs long before my alarm went off.

"Kyonko! Haruki is here."

He opened the door and Haruki walked in. I dove under the blankets; why don't boys have any manners!

"Knock before you come in my room!"

"Kyonko, get dressed were going out. You were useless last day at finding anything. Now lets make a fresh start!"

"Then leave and let me dress at least!"

It was too early for this, for that matter any time of day is too early for this, I don't want to walk around town till dinner. Any self-respecting slider, esper, alien, or time traveller would be doing something with their family on a beautiful Saturday morning, not causing mischief or doing anything Haruki can investigate.

I dressed quickly and with function in mind. Who knew how long we'd be roaming? Jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt are preferable in everyway to our school uniform. I hate wearing that fetish fuel next to that pervert. I hope it isn't too hot today.

I walked down stairs to my family and Haruki happily eating breakfast. Mom gave me a stern look but dad an approving one. Haruki was gobbling down his food and paid no attention to me.

"Honey, come with me," mom pulled me aside to the living room and out of earshot. "You honestly aren't wearing that out with him today? Go put on that dress I bought for you last week."

"It's not a date I don't need a dress."

"I've seen the way you look at that boy."

Does my utter disdain and loathing somehow say, "I want you" to everyone but me? Oh no, am I being tsundere. Crap! Maybe Haruki is manipulating things to work like they do in manga where the two pigtailed tsundere slowly defrosts. If I realize what he's doing subconsciously and he doesn't realize that I realize that he's doing it and realize I can superficially …wait where was I?

Mom eventually coerced me gently with her superior reasoning and threatening abilities into the sundress; much to my dismay. It was still cool as we headed out toward our usual meeting place near the station. Haruki's eyes were glowing but he wasn't saying anything.

"Is it just us two?"

"Kyonko, are you stupid? You're the one being punished. You couldn't find even a single abnormality, not even a plothole."

My entire world since I've known you is one giant plothole! Why am I being punished when you haven't found anything either?

"You couldn't even make breakfast for me. Your poor mom had to make a extra helping so I wouldn't be hungry."

"…."

"Kyonko, you should be using your energy to look for things that are out of place."

If he keeps this up my foot won't be out of place when it connects with his backside. Besides, haven't we already done the whole being punished because I couldn't find anything abnormal - though they'd probably want to be called exceptional if anyone ever cared to ask them – subplot.

It was nearly 3:00 pm before Haruki relented, "I hope you're happy with yourself because you just wasted my entire day."

"What! Wait, does logical and rational even have entries in whatever dictionary it is that you are using?"

"Kyonko you need more punishment. If I'm lax and let you off with this, what kind of example will it set? I'd tie you to a mizzenmast and whip you if my whip hadn't been confiscated by the worthless principal!"

Wait, what was he doing with that whip when it was confiscated and furthermore…why does he have a whip.

"We'd also need to find a mizzenmast…Kyonko, where is the best harbour?"

If space flight could move by the leaps and bounds of Haruki's though process we would have already have a manned mission to Mars.

"…then it is decided. You're coming to my place after dinner as punishment and you're going to cook me something."

Who decided and where was I when it was put to a vote?

"What? I'm not going to your place! Wouldn't I be going to your place before dinner and not after since I would be making your dinner?"

"Be at my door at 6:30 or I come get you and it's the fireman's carry the entire way!"

After yelling at me again for being useless he ran home at top speed leaving me by myself. It was a long train ride home, and by the time I got there it was nearly time for me to leave again. That pompous fascist jerk treats me like dog crap. I wonder if I'm a sadist for putting myself through this…no that would make me a masochist and Haruki the sadist; which would explain the whip at least.

"Mom I have to go…study with Haruki later. We have a test later this week." Why was I giving in so easily to that jerk.

"Hmm. Have they talked about the birds and the bees in school yet dear? Do you have condoms?"

"Mom, I don't need a condom," especially more than one "we aren't dating!"

"Sometimes when you're alone with someone you really like, things happen, and those things need a condom."

With Mom's words still ringing in my ears I raced off to Haruki's. Had he gotten his own place at some point? His apartment was in a nice building not far from Yuki's. How he afforded this was anyone's guess.

I rang the doorbell and Haruki answered immediately. "You are 33 seconds late."

He was wearing a blue shirt and black pants that emphasized his massive frame. I suddenly felt quite hot all of a sudden and I could feel my heart beating…must be hot a flash.

Inside was a typical male pigsty of an apartment, with the exception of the bedroom being shiny clean. He made sure I knew where that room was in particular. I should have brought some mace and perhaps a halberd.

"How do you expect me to cook you anything when you have all these dirty dishes? Do you even have any of the ingredients to make something?"

"If you were truly a master chief you could make something out of nothing. Use you brain! If you don't learn to be a cooking jedi what will you do if you haven't made supper yet and I'm due home soon? Our 2.5 kids and a dog need to be attended to, so you won't be able to just hurry off to the grocery store."

0.5 of a kid is a scary thought and with Haruki, anything goes. For that matter I don't need the mental imagery of how those 2.5 kids came to be.

"Kyonko! This apartment is far too hot to be wearing jeans and a t-shirt. You need to learn to be more presentable."

Haruki, from nowhere, hands me a short slinky dress.

"Where did this come from? This dress is about," looks at tag "…exactly my size?"

"Maybe someone just left it here. Really does it matter that I happen to have a sexy dress in my favourite colour, and three others that just happens to fit you? No, it doesn't matter! It's very hot in this stuffy apartment and you need something cooler to work in."

Haruki grabs me and undoes the button of my jeans "I can change myself!" I struggle out of his grip and head to the bathroom. I don't like where this is going.

After checking for cameras and peepholes I attempted to squeeze my fat ass in the dress. It really did look great but it was way too short. The open back was nice though.

Haruki actually had some things for me to cook with and I only needed to wash a few dishes to salvage the cookware I needed. This meal would not be five stars but Haruki might like it. I wonder if he has any laxatives or….never mind, I don't want to end the world.

"Move your butt up a tad."

Haruki was holding a digital camera with a professional looking lens.

"Haruki, I'm going to kill you and photograph your brutalized body if you start taking pictures."

Snap. Snap. Snap. I was imagining the noise of a traditional camera but his finger was definitely pressing the button. How many had he already taken? A large knife suddenly found its way into my hand.

"Haruki," I plastered on a smile "humans always say 'It's better to regret something you did rather than regret something you didn't do.' What's your opinion on that?"

"Kyonko?" He looked me directly in the eye and than shifted his gaze to the knife "I'll going to the living room…don't keep me waiting for dinner."

It didn't take long to finish preparing the meal and as soon as I placed it on the table he suddenly appeared with utensils in hand. I served Haruki and then sat down to eat myself glancing at Haruki periodically as he devoured the meal.

"You're meal is missing something. Something so intrinsic only a moron would forget it."

Wow, he used intrinsic in casual conversation. What could I possibly have forgotten? Since, it was Haruki we're talking about anything is possible.

"Dessert! How could you forget dessert? Demerit!"

I wandered over to the freezer and put some ice cream in a bowl. Haruki's apartment was not lacking in junk food. I threw some other things together with it- it was almost as though he had random things for a desert placed around his kitchen- and gently placed it before my grace, Lord Haruki.

"You managed to make this from what I had here? Maybe you are good for something!"

Unlike the meal, which he had devoured in seconds flat, he took his time with the sundae. After moving to the living room I suddenly realized how hot and sticky it was in the apartment. This room felt slightly cooler so I sat down to his kotatsu. It was even cooler and more comfortable closer to the floor.

Ring! Ring!

Sort of sounded like the ring tone for my cell phone. Where was I? Why was I lying on the floor?

"Mushi Mushi. She's asleep…… Yeah, I wore her out. She's just lying there with her soft creamy skin glistening with…..maybe……hmm, she hung up."

I sat up. "Exactly what fantasy were you describing and using my phone no less."

"I tell it how it is." There was a loud knock on the door and incessant ringing of the doorbell. "Kyonko, be a good hostess and answer the door."

No use fighting with him so I got up and walked to the door. How the heck am I the hostess? He should be treating me.

On the other side of the door stood Itsuko glowering, or rather, smiling plastically with narrowed eyes.

"Hi," her hair was a mess and her clothes slightly crumpled like she had gotten dressed in a hurry, "Red really is your colour."

We walked back to the kotatsu and sat down. Haruki was grinning from ear to ear as he thumbed through an old manga of some sort.

"I need this," he grabbed my cell phone. I jumped to try and grab him but I tripped on the leg of the kotatsu and fell face first into the rug.

"Here," Itsuko held out her hand "let me help you up."

"Shouldn't that jerk Haruki be offering to help me up."

He had run off to another room. I grabbed Itsuko's hand. She was surprisingly strong for someone her size. Before I could quite get to my feet I slipped on a piece of paper and we both went tumbling back down onto the rug.

Itsuko was lying on me now, she seemed to fall a little too easily if you ask me, also her face was too close.

"Sorry," our noses were almost touching.

I rolled out from under her only to notice Haruki taking pictures again.

"Itsuko, that pervert is taking pictures of us."

Itsuko pounced on me again, "Is this good?"

"Slide her strap down her shoulder a little more. There you go. Now, lean in close…perfect!."

"Leave me alone!"

I ran away the first chance I got from Haruki when he became preoccupied with the pictures he had already taken. I spent the next day lying around my house trying to forget what had happened. Before I knew it I was sweaty and tired trudging up the hill to school again. Where had my weekend gone?

"Sorry about Saturday. Haruki tends to get carried away." Itsuko's beamed with his shiny white teeth.

"What's that?" by the school entrance there was a poster with the SOS logo on it. It was crudely made but said 'we' would be selling something near the entrance. I guess Haruki learned his lesson about doing certain activities on school grounds.

There was a huge crowd close to the school and in the center of it was Haruki, of course, yelling something over the noise. Yuuki was sitting besides him looking very busy.

"Haruki what are you doing?"

"Selling our photobook. Oh, here's your phone back."

"Photobook?" When did you make a photobook?"

Suddenly there was an oppressive atmosphere all around me. Dozens of red faced sweaty boys had surrounded me. Haruki grabbed me suddenly and threw me onto his shoulders. A huge cheer went up.

I'd been trying to play dumb but was hard to ignore my butt featured prominently on the front cover. Itsuko was still beaming. Getting this thing published so fast reeked of Tsuruya-san's.

"Girl Love: Kyonko x Itsuko."

Where was Asakura when you needed him?

If you have the time please review. Thank you.


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